Dear Dr. Bill,

I would appreciate your insight in dealing with anxiety, especially around family surroundings. I am a 46 year old male, oldest of five children in which my father was an alcoholic. I=ve always wanted to control outcomes, until recently only started to let things go.. There is some progress but my impatience is causing frustration---Don=t talk, feel or trust has been a major part of my life. I know there is no easy way, but how do you break the unhealthy behaviors with ongoing heightened awareness and the knowledge that choices of stimuli produces responses - - not always desired. Thanks for you time.

Internet query from DGK

Dear DGK,

I don=t know of any group of people harder to convince of the need of professional or of support group help than those who, as children, lived in the insane atmosphere of a home in which there was at least one alcoholic parent. Many of these youngsters, most commonly the oldest child like yourself, become adult superachievers... obsessively seeking perfection as a means of overcoming feelings of shames and low self-esteem resulting from their traumatic upbringing. Society loves these family heros as most of them become workaholics who really, really produce.

Most may seem happy on the outside but many, like you seem to be, are miserable on the inside. Having learned to cope as youngsters with outrageous circumstances.. Using efforts which seemed both admirable and heroic to both family and outsiders. However, many find, upon reaching adulthood, that these self protective devices such as taking charge during family emergencies, or being the model figure for younger siblings by being a sports star or an all A student, turn on them, becoming self destructive. No matter the level of success... it is likely that it will never seem to be enough. Too often, the resultant inner stress leads to various physical and psychological disorders... in your case anxiety, particularly when around younger siblings who still expect you to continue your role as the family hero they had learned to depend on.

I would hazard a guess that you are still so busy responding to other people=s difficulties (particularly those of your family members) that you have been unable to identify, let alone take care of, your own problems. Recognizing that some positive steps. Can you change? Can you learn healthier habits and do things differently? I think you can but it=s not an easy road, you need support, encouragement and inspiration.

First of all you need education. To start read my 1998 columns: 9/1, 8/28 and 8/18 at www.vanostinstitute.org/drbill/archive, htm as well as A21 questions for Co dependents and children of alcoholics addicts: under the AQuizzes@ link at the Van Ost Institute website order and read these two seminal books: AAnother Chance@ by Sharon Wegscheider and AAdult Children of Alcoholics@ by the late Janet Woititz (both I think were published by Health Communications, Inc., FL). You probably can get these at your local library or, if you choose to purchase them (call Hazelden at 1-800-328-9000). Further, attend an educational lecture series ( we offer one free at the Institute: call 201-569-6667) By all means, get thee to some AL-Anon related meetings designed to address the particular problems experienced by Children of Alcoholics (ACOA Meetings). Call your AlaCall Hotline (In New Jersey it=s 1-800-322-5525) for meeting sites. Last, but far from least, your E-mail note suggests a real need for help from a trained professional addiction counselor. Good luck!