Dear Dr. Bill,

My oldest son is a heavy drinker and he smokes marijuana and his money from an inheritance. He's forged checks on my name and I've had to buy him two new cars because he totaled his old ones. He says he's too sick to work but he's not too sick to get drugs or alcohol when he wants them.

I read where Betty Ford and Elizabeth Taylor both sobered up when their families did an "intervention" on them. I've tried everything but that.

Please tell me how to do an intervention. I can't go on like this much longer.

Desperate Mom

Dear Desperate Mom,

There's a lot you haven't told me about your son. How old is he? If he is under age there is much you can do to make him get help... but it may not stick unless you stop enabling him. He seems to be using you, alright... for room and board and for whatever else he can take form you and your house to turn into money for his drinking and drugging.

If he is over eighteen, you can't easily force him to do anything, but you may consider an intervention. What Betty Ford and Liz Taylor heard at the interventions that their families planned for them was their love and concern combined with straight forward, meaningful bottom lines about what each member of their families would do it these two women didn't stop their drug use and drinking.

Ideally, a planned intervention begins with the family and concerned friends learning about addiction from trained, professional facilitators and then being honest with themselves about what they're willing to do if the person they care about says. "No thanks, "...that's the hard part. Participants learn to confront the alcoholic/ addict with love but with firmness. It is usually the first time that the person really hears what his problem is and how it has affected his or her family.

Interventions are usually held early in the morning... hopefully before the person has had a drink or a drug to dull their perception of the painful facts about the damage that their chemical use has done to their loved ones.

If you decide to try an intervention, don't, don't do it without a professional counselor. Active alcoholics and addicts are "pros" at transferring the problem back over to others, shifting the blame away from themselves... thereby making a shambles of the whole process-an experienced interventionist to guide you through it.

As a starter, I suggest the purchase of the classic text by Vernon Johnson entitled "Intervention: How to Help Someone Who Doesn't Want Help." This and other intervention texts can be ordered by phoning either the Johnson Institute (1-800-231-5165) or Hazelden (1-800-328-9000). Both are located in Minnesota. I repeat... discuss this with a professional counselor. In the meantime, start asking yourself if anything that you have done so far has made you son stop his drinking and drugging. The answer is probably not... so, get some help. Good Luck.