Dear A.D. and readers who care about kids,

For the last couple of weeks we have discussed co-dependency, mostly as it relates to the adult members of a family. We defined it as a preoccupation with someone else's life to the detriment of one's own needs... a loss of "self." Living in a family in which there is an alcoholic parent forces each member to assume certain survival roles in order to endure the exquisite pain caused by living with an addicted member. A.D. you would probably be identified, by a professional addiction therapist as the family's Chief Enabler. This person, usually the spouse, is the family member the alcoholic depends upon the most; who usually feels virtuous for putting up with the alcoholic and is frequently the butt of the addict's hostility. Most Chief Enablers are lonely, burdened with anger, frightened and, most scary of all, he or she is a prime candidate for self-destruction.

But what of the kids? Who pays attention to their pain? One of every five youngsters who enter a pediatrician's office, anywhere in this country, lives with at least one alcoholic/ addict parent. However, it has been estimated that only 5 percent of the 12 to 15 million school-age children of alcoholics in the U.S. are identified and treated! In spite of efforts of local treatment centers like our own nonprofit Institute of courageous educational programs like that recently presented on PBS by Bill Moyers, most of these children are still "invisible to the professional." Those who do come to anyone's attention are usually "acting out" their problems in contrast to those many children who are "adjusting." Out of sight, out of mind!!

Children who live in a home with an alcoholic parent, usually assume one of four survival roles which can be diagnosed if looked for by an alert pediatrician or a caring adult surrogate parent:

The first of these, usually the eldest child, is known in the treatment field as The Family Hero..... an overachiever..always doing what is right, is often called the little mother or little man of the family, seeking everyone's approval. The "white shoe" syndrome; the A student; the 4-letter man. Nobody knows that inside this kid there is anger, confusion, inadequacy because he is unable to solve parental problems. This child represents the family's need to have someone to be proud of. Adulthood will likely produce a compulsive workaholic.

The scapegoat, often the second child and jealous of the eldest's successes, turns to hostility and defiance, serving the family by diverting the focus of the problem away from the addicted parent..."see what he is doing? etc.,etc" This child is usually withdrawn and sullen. Inside he feels hurt, abandoned, rejected, guilty and has no self-esteem. This is a child who will takes chances. Most likely, do drugs... get drunk... become addicted. It means trouble..unplanned pregnancies, jail, etc.....
you name it. But, paradoxically, because acting out draws attention to a need for treatment, this child may be the family's only survivor.

The Lost Child hides inner sadness and anger, withdraws, tries to become invisible and often suffers from severe depression. This child provides family relief: "at least one kid we don't have to worry about." This is the loner, the day-dreamer who appears withdrawn, shy..The one who sits in the back of the class, is no trouble while quietly getting Cs on report cards. A common escape for this child is suicide.

The family Mascot is the immature kid who vies for attention, has a short attention span and is usually hyperactive. Crying on the inside, laughing on the outside, this is filled with loneliness and fear, the compulsive clown, desperately trying to divert attention away from the abusing parent at home.

Bottom line, if you are a parent living with an addicted spouse and you have just an iota of love for your children, get help for them ... they are hurting and nobody sees their pain. Next week: a Children of Alcoholics Screening test (C.A.S.T.)