Dear A.D. and all other readers,

Question: What happens when co-dependents are dying? Answer: Someone else's life flashes before their eyes!..... Only those who have recovered from the pain of co-dependency are likely to see any humor or even understand this joke. They would also know what I meant last week when, in response to A.D., I defined co-dependency as "a preoccupation with someone else's life to the point where it interferes with the co-dependent's own well being." A seemingly simple definition which only partially describes the pain suffered by those who are living with an addicted person.

I also noted that co-dependents, just like addicted individuals, are usually in denial..... they simply cannot see that they also have a problem. Because I suspect that you A.D., as well as many of my readers, are victims of the co-dependency syndrome. I am presenting the following self evaluation quiz which might spur some of you to take some definitive action (answer each question with a "yes" or "no.") :

1. Do you place your partner's needs ahead of yours?
2. Have you ever hit or been hit by your partner?
3. When your partner hurts your feelings, are you unable to express your hurt to him or her?
4. Does your partner tell you how to dress?
5. Do you smile when you are angry?
6. Do you have difficulty establishing personal boundaries and keeping them?
7. Is it difficult to express your true feelings to your partner?
8. Do you feel nervous and uncomfortable when alone?
9. Do you feel rejected when your partner is spending time with friends?
10. Do you feel shame when your partner makes a mistake?
11. Do you have sex when you don't want to?
12. Do you withhold sex to get even with your partner?
13. Do you think your partner's opinion is more important than your own?
14. Do you rely on your partner to make most of the decisions in your relationship?
15. Do you become very upset when your partner doesn't follow your plans?
16. Are you afraid to let your partner know what you are really feeling?
17. Do you keep silent in order to keep the peace?
18. Do you feel like you give and get little or no return?
19. Do you "freeze up" when in conflict with your partner?
20. Are you unhappy with your friendships?
21. Do you find yourself saying, "It's not that bad?"
22. Do you feel that you are stuck in this relationship?
23. Do you have to control your emotions most of the time?
24. Do you lose control of your emotions during times of conflict?
25. Do you feel that your relationship would fall apart without your constant efforts?

As Austin, TX, therapist Wayne Kritsberg, author of this quiz, explains, "Co-dependent relationships differ in degree of dysfunction.... A total score of 5 or more "yes" answers indicates that you may be in or have been in a co-dependent relationship. 1 to 7 could indicate a mildly dysfunctional relationship. 8 to 18 indicates moderate dysfunction while 19 to 25 indicates a severe dysfunctional relationship."

For those of you who scored rather high on this quiz, call us and we will guide you to the resources in your community which can help you shed a controlled life in which thoughts, feelings and actions are determined by an addicted person.

Co-dependency can affect everyone -- spouses, parents, children, brothers, sisters, friends, even the addict's co-workers. It can last long after the addicted person receives treatment or after the relationship has ended. Treatment can help the co-dep recognize the effects of another person's addiction on his or her own life; that one can regain control of one's own feelings and actions, conquer the pain of living and suffering with an addicted person, and even aid in the addict's recovery.
Next week, I'll discuss what I am convinced is a primary cause of the spread of addictive illnesses down from generation to generation... untreated children who live in homes with parents who have been addicted to alcohol or other drugs.