Ask Dr. Bill

Dr. Bill,

My mother isn't the easiest person to live with. she's totally self-centered; quick to criticize others but rarely accepts any criticism of herself. she seems so bitter about life, seldom able to express affection for her own kids or even my Dad. Mom's parents died before I was old enough to remember them but I have recently learned from my great uncle that his brother, my grandfather, was a heavy drinker who abused mom when she was a kid. Neither of my parents drink but, my mother's attitude makes me feel like I am nothing. You've written about children of alcoholics...how about the grandchildren?

Depressed Teenager

Dear Depressed,

Grandchildren of alcoholics (GCOAs), particularly those who are aunaware of their family's alcoholic past, can suffer from the emotional and psychological problems of co-dependency because they are being raised by parents who had themselves been abused and do not realize that even the death of an abusing parent does not remove negative patterns from the present and subsequent family system. they work hard to convince themselves that the past is behind them and will not affect their children. As you are now learning, this is just plain wrong... the problem simply goes underground because it's no longer discussed. ACOAs, like your mother, are often unable to identify or express feelings. In their sincere efforts to create a family unlike the one they were raised in, ACOAs try to eliminate obvious unhealthy behaviors, but, becuase they simply don't konw what "normal" is, the negative patterns common in alcoholic families are still passed down to another generation.

Like their co-dependent parents, grandchilren of alcoholics suffer abuse, albiet more subtle; develop unhealthy coping mechanisms and then carry that lifestyle into adulthood, and often find themselves trapped in unhappy relationships. When questionsed about problem areas, GCOAs strongly resemble Adult Children Of Alcoholics(ACOAs) (see a description of these characteristics posted on my website: (www.vanostinstitute.org/drbill/archives.htm).

One major difference however, as reported in one large study of GCOAs over 18 years of age, did not know that their problems were related to the presence of alcohol in the family... 75% were never tood of their grandparent's addiction...95% of ACOAs did not acknowledge being affected by their parents alcoholism... 90% report the presence of some addiction other than chemicals in the family, workaholism being the most common of these (64%).

While GCOAs exhibit many of the same characteristics of ACOAs, several more are specific to this group: *Distorted family images:- "Nothing wrong with our family" in spite of evidence to the contrary.....*Self blaming:- They blame themselves for family unhappiness and compulsive behaviors....*Relationship problems:-Good at forming superficial relationships, but struggle with anything resembling intimacy....*Difficulty asking for help:- to them it means they have done something wrong and should be able to "fix it themselves"....*Depression, anxiety, fear:-Emotional repression is the norm in their families, so feelings are turned inward, often creating depression....*Strong family loyalties:- in spite of being treated poorly... *Shame for being addicted themselves (34%):- For bringing the disease back in the family after it had skiped a generation.... *Poor self worth-very common.

The good news: GCOAs, like yourself, can find help through education, self help groups, treatment centers and therapy. By finding recovery from painful childhoods, GCOAs can become the generation to break the distructive cycle inherited in alcoholics--so get to it.... find that help!