Ask Dr. Bill

Dear Dr. Bill, My husband was out drinking with his "buddies" last night. When he came in early this morning he was very drunk, stumbling over things and so noisy that he woke the baby. When I got up this morning the car was parked on the front lawn. This kind of thing is now happening at least four or five times a month. As expected, after having done something really stupid the night before, he was full of apologies this morning and, for the umpteenth time, promised to stop drinking. Each time he makes this promise he does quit for a few days...then, he's at it again. I'm sure he's an alcoholic. I need some help. Scared-River Edge

Dear Scared, You sure do need help and there are plenty of folks more than willing to give you some. Not necessarily in the following order, you need the loving help of Alanon. You also desperately need some solid knowledge about the disease of alcoholism. Contact Alanon at Ala-Call-Alcoholism Help (1-800-322-5525) or call the Institute at 201-569-6667 for info on local Alanon meetings and our free weekly educational lecture series about alcohol and other drug addictions. In the meantime, let me offer a few suggestions as misinformed family members do more to delay an alcoholic's treatment than any other factor: First, you need to know what alcoholism is. As defined by the American Society of Addiction Medicine, it is "a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. It is often progressive and fatal. It is characterized by impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with alcohol use despite adverse consequences; and distortions of thinking, most notably denial. It may be continuous or periodic" To put it in another way: an alcoholic is a person who cannot consistently choose when he or she will have a drink and, once he or she has taken that drink, cannot consistently choose when to stop.....The key word here is consistently. Bottom line... Alcoholism gets progressively worse, it can kill, and its principal symptom is obnoxious behavior which is beyond control. Until you get some help, try to follow these "tough love" steps: Don't let the alcoholic lie to you then accept it for the truth...you'll encourage more lies. A saying goes, "If an active alcoholic's lips are moving, he's probably lying." Don't let the alcoholic outsmart you....just state the facts, know what you are talking about, or he'll continue to avoid responsibility and you will lose his respect. Don't let the alcoholic exploit or take advantage of you or you will become an accomplice in his evasion of responsibility. For example, if he's too hung over to go to work, let him call the boss. Don't cover up for him. Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, threaten, or argue when he's drunk. You may feel better but this gets you nowhere and usually makes things worse. Don't hide bottles or pour out liquor...the results are zilch--any alcoholic worth his salt will find a way to get more and then hide it from you. 6. Don't lose your temper when he goads you...it gives him an "excuse" to drink. 7. Don't accept "next morning" promises, they merely postpone pain but, if you do make any agreements, no matter what, stick to them. 8. Don't cover up or protect him from consequences of his drinking. If he passes out on the living room floor, LEAVE him there....he'll get the message when he comes to. If he soils his bed, let him lie in it. Unless there is a medical emergency, don't provide medical care.... Physical pain might penetrate his denial. Don't protect him in police encounters or provide bail if they put him in jail for drinking- related actions. To do otherwise is to enable him to stay sick. Above all, don't avoid reality, alcoholism is a progressive disease. Do nothing and your husband will surely die of it.