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Dear
Readers,
Last week, I acknowledged "Children of Alcoholics
Week, 2002" sponsored by the National Association of
Children of Alcoholics by printing a copy of CAST, a screening
test to determine the level of trauma experienced by kids
struggling with problems resulting from living in a home with
an alcoholic or other drug addicted parent. But, CAST is simply
a measurement...usually given only AFTER somebody recognizes
a child with a problem!
What about
these kids? Who pays attention to their pain? They carefully
guard what is usually a well-kept family secret...a home with
an addicted parent. One of every five youngsters who enter
a pediatrician's office, anywhere in the USA, lives with at
least one such parent. But, it has been estimated that only
5 percent of the 12 to 15 million school-age children of alcoholics
in the U.S. are identified and treated! In spite of efforts
of local treatment centers like our own nonprofit Institute,
and of educational programs like that offered by , most of
these kids are still invisible to the professional. Those
who do attract attention are usually "acting out"
their problems in contrast to those many children who are
"adjusting."....... Out of sight, out of mind!!
Children
who live with an alcoholic parent, usually assume one of 4
survival roles which can be diagnosed if looked for by an
alert pediatrician, a caring adult surrogate parent, or teacher:
The first of these, usually the eldest child, is known in
the treatment field as THE FAMILY HERO... an overachiever..always
doing what is right, is often called the "little mother"
or" little man" of the family, seeking everyone's
approval. The "white shoe" syndrome; the A student;
the 4-letter man. Nobody knows that inside this kid there
is anger, confusion, and inadequacy because he is unable to
solve parental problems. This child represents the family's
need to have someone to be proud of. Adulthood will likely
produce a compulsive workaholic.
The SCAPEGOAT,
often the second child and jealous of the eldest's successes,
turns to hostility and defiance, serving the family by diverting
the focus of the problem away from the addicted parent..."see
what he/she is doing? etc.,etc" This child is usually
withdrawn and sullen. Inside feeling hurt, abandoned, rejected,
guilty and having no self-esteem. This is a child who will
takes chances. Most likely, do drugs... get drunk... become
addicted. It means trouble..unplanned pregnancies, jail, etc.....you
name it. But, paradoxically, because acting out draws attention
to a need for treatment, this child may be the family's only
survivor. The LOST CHILD hides inner sadness and anger, withdraws,
tries to become invisible and often suffers from severe depression.
This child provides family relief: "at least one kid
we don't have to worry about." This is the loner, the
day-dreamer who appears withdrawn, shy..The one who sits in
the back of the class; is no trouble, while quietly getting
Cs on report cards. A common escape for this child is suicide.
The family
MASCOT is the immature kid who vies for attention, has a short
attention span and is usually hyperactive. Crying on the inside,
laughing on the outside; filled with fear and loneliness;
this compulsive clown is desperately trying to divert attention
away from the abusing parent at home.
Who "oversees"
these lonely children?... This person, known by addiction
therapists as the family's CHIEF ENABLER, is usually the spouse...the
leading "family-secret" keeper...the one whom the
alcoholic depends upon the most; who usually feels virtuous
for putting up with the alcoholic and is frequently the object
of the addict's anger. On the surface appearing rigid and
unloving but , beneath that seemingly cold facade, there is
usually a frightened, angry, and very lonely human being whose
attempts to control the uncontrollable often results in themselves,
instead of the addicted parent, becoming the major recipient
of the children's hostility as they grow into adulthood.
This is
a family that's hurting and nobody sees their pain!..Unless
YOU do!! If so, call me.
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