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Dear
Dr. Bill,
My sister is afraid that her son is using drugs. From
being a quiet, easy-going kid, he has started acting
up this summer. He's become very moody, has been coming
home way after curfew then becomes very angry when
aked about where he's been. My sister says she's been
marijuana in his hair and clothing. Of course, he
denies using. I suggested she get professional help
and, in the meantime, search his room for hidden drugs.
She says she can't do that as it would invade his
"rights." I say that she like too many of
today's parents, ought to get her guts back and exercise
her right to act in any way she feels is necessary.
What do you think?
Concerned
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Dear
Concerned,
Let me offer some excerpts about "child rights"
from the book, Warning Signs, co-authored by my wife
and I and published by Time-Warner some time ago:
".....In
general, children have few spokespersons to protect
their needs and wants. But we are firm in stating
that these rights do not include the right to use
destructive chemicals that endanger themselves, their
family or their community. Drugs and alcohol kill
and maim. Their use by children is against the law,
and we do not support their "right" to use
them ........"
"So
what about the concept of 'child rights?' Do we think
a minor has a right to confidentiality in a relationship
to a physician? For most things, yes....but we don't
think a doctor has a right to hide a kid's drug use
from parents, any more than he or she has the right
to hide the fact that a kid's blood count indicates
possible leukemia, or that a urine test suggests diabetes.
It is not a moral issue, or an issue of 'rights,'
it's an issue involving the diagnosis of a medical
illness about which a parent has a right to know....."
(Some of my pediatric colleagues disagree with this..
on the other hand, only a very few of these have had
the responsibility of treating an addicted child!)
"Do
we think it's ever OK to search a child's room? If
indicated, yes. If a parent thought their child had
a loaded gun, or cyanide pills, hidden in her room,
would they search and remove them? would they face
him or her with the evidence? ....."
"Drug
use is a serious business. parents have both a right
and a responsibility to protect their children. Children
do not have the "right" to destroy themselves,
and parents do not have the "right" to let
them. What we're talking about here is not
how to enforce discipline, but how to save lives --
not how to be popular with your kids, or how to be
a pal, but how to be a parent....."
"Privacy
is an important issue in any home. When a child is
performing well as a functioning member of the family,
of course you grant privacy .. he or she has earned
it. However, shouldn't parents retain the right to
change any privilege, including that of room privacy,
if it appears that trust has been abused? After all,
they bring home the bacon, pay for the roof overhead,
the gas and electricity, and the clothes on everyone's
back. We believe that the parents, not the children,
should be the governing member(s) of the family........"
"A
single act of rebellion or misbehavior should not
be a reason to search a child's room but the possibility
should be discussed..... Not because it seems to be
dangling the sword of Damocles over a youngster's
head, but because it must be made very clear that
privileges, including the right of privacy in the
child's own room, have limits and that incidents which
suggest use of drugs will result in necessary action
that a responsible parent must take to protect the
health and welfare of their child."
Concerned,
your nephew is already exhibiting reasons to suspect
that he is using drugs. Your sister should take immediate
definitive action, probably including a room search
but, also, she must seek professional help pronto.
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